Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
I want you to know that after i type the word "your" vagina is next on my predictive tex
but i got with him after midnight so its technically 2 days
Do you think the party boat will still go out if there is a hurricane?
You said you were going inside to sober up and then you poured yourself a wine glass of warm gin
I am literally the only girl who can black out and wake up pantsless and STILL be 99% sure I didn't get any.
I think I've just evolved into some kind of vodka fueled monster
Hey Kellie. Me putting. My face intebetaeen ut your boobs made my night
My arrest report says I was found in midtown "performing lewd and lascivious acts on top of art meant for public display and enjoyment".
I have to call my new boss to accept the job offer so you have pack the bowl while I pretend I'm a responsible adult THEN we can get high
Tomorrow we start training our livers for St.Patrick's day. May God be with us.
I literally just woke up in a dog bed, in a bathtub in someone else's house...and I'm not wearing pants
Damn him and his beautiful face and body and penis.
What was the name of that sleazy asshole I'm not allowed to sleep with?
Randomize
