3 deer just ran past us on the street. At least I get to see some tail tonight
We raised our shot glasses and you screamed out "TO MY DAD FINALLY GOING TO REHAB!"
He kept trying to order 'sex on the tennis courts' for a drink last night
Not sure why I sent you a picture of a black bear last night but it seemed like a good idea at the time.
we have to top last new years. except im not ready for jail. that can wait a couple years
I'll be visiting the rave tower. Prepare your finest boxed wines for my consumption.
I'm just gonna clean the house so my Mom won't think I'm hung over. I'll just start with the toilet
We were having sex in the gardens when the grounds keeper walked up on us. He gave me a thumbs up and walked away
Seriously considering modifying my computer case so it can dispense wine. I need to make a bunch of changes and reorganize it's guts anyway....
I mean it could have been worse, I could have been sober.
I'm gonna adopt her diet plan of secretly sleeping w a desperate ex... It combines excersise & loss of appetite due to guilt
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
Hey bro are you still alive??? I'm sure you are wondering how you ended up laying on the floor at the foot of your bed and why there is a wheelchair by your door....
So, I found your eyebrow, someone glued it in between my eyebrows so I looked like I had a unibrow when I went to work...
So I got a text from him saying "jacking off...thinking of you" I think I'm going to get a restraining order
Randomize
