i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
I feel like a panda just shit rainbows on my mind
did you fuck him yet?
hahaha who do you think your talking to.. a nun?
Worst part of St. Paddy's...me drunkenly crying to a U2 cover band.
He managed to light the Jello on fire...
It was a new level of awkwardness and terror. The high schoolers you fuck in the summer should never introduce themselves to your mom and godmother
That super awesome moment when the guy who threw up in your bed last night crawls into your roommate's bed the next morning...Naked...She was in it.
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
I just woke up ass naked on top of all my sheets, with no blinds in my room because i used them as togas, my back is killing me, im covered in sharpie, i have no memory of last night, and im pretty sure im still drunk. I consider the night a success
Cleaned the whole house at 7:30 and after cleaning the bathroom I think I had cocaine on my sweatpants
CUTE BOY IN THE OFFICE WALKED BY AS I WAS STARING IN HORROR AT HARRY POTTER THEMED SKELETON PORN
I met someone else! And I had a wonderful orgasm! And he wants to see me again, like take me out!
You're the air beneath my wings and the lookout when I pee
I just announced to Denny's that I'm not wearing a bra.
I'm fine. Heading home now...crying. Michael Bolton totally understands me!
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