In the car with my brother. His CD went from 2pac to Taylor Swift. I'm concerned. It wasn't a mistake, he knows all the words.
I feel like I just won at life, no connection sex and free 12 pack of beer after. Does life give out trophies, if so I want a big one.
My birthing hips are way to big to be around all these juveniles.
at least he left the skimmer on the side of the pool so i could fish out my thong in the morning
You mean 'full wolf form' wasn't a drunk text?
The lego bong didn't work. Just made us look stupid
Dude.. You paid a stripper $50 to listen to you cry last night.
He blended the pizza with water and drank the whole thing. He is my hangover hero
I had to rub one out before the Shabbat dinner in case I find a nice Jewish girl to fuck me in the bathroom.
Your mother would be so proud
He offered to buy me free breakfast if I stayed at the hotel overnight with him. I then realized they have a complimentary breakfast.
Maybe I'm nitpicking, but that looked more like how one would jerk off an elephant than it did playing air guitar.
You knocked on your freshman year room door, told the kids who opened it "I own you", and attempted to force-feed them everclear.
Seriously. All I want right now is a 40 with a nipple on it, and a nap
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
So the makeout sesh? Not so great. His stubble rubbed my face raw, he tried to push me towards auto-erotic asphyxiation, and he licked my forehead. Twice.
Randomize
