Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
My history with restaurant waiters is severely limiting our dinner options.
I just found $40 in the jeans I wore last night. PS I also found the jeans I wore last night.
Being this Hungover on Easter has brought my closer to Jesus... I swear he had to feel shitty like this after coming back from the dead
This from the guy I found eating salad out of a pot lid in his boxers on his porch last night.
Another Sunday, another 100 chicken nuggets
Woke up this morning buried in a mountain of chex mix and bubble wrap. We must have been doing something great last night
I'm just walking around Lowe's groping the carpets....
I don't know what it was about last night, but every bar that i went to there was at least one girl there that i had done something with. I'm sure the girl that i went with knew because they all grabbed my penis and told me to call them.
he kept telling me how much his girlfriend would love me while we were making. why does tequila always do this to me?
I am still awake. And let me sing you the song of my people. Ahem. "I have a bottle of hydrocodone and you all can fuck off."
Dropped the bowl in the litter box. But it landed face up. What do I do?
I nicknamed her "Jackhammer" for the way she gave me a handjob. My balls were in constant pain
Ok so I need a recap of last night...
YOU SPENT SIX DOLLARS AT NICKEL BEER NIGHT!!! How's that
Listen, i know this is weird for you, but as your fuck buddy, id prefer if you didnt fuck her.
Youre asking too much from me
Randomize
