I puked a lego.
There are only two things that should be in vaginas... penises and vegetables
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
okay, certainly we can't screw this up, and even as I type, I know we will
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
I basically have a picture with a half naked foreign exchange student. He kept screaming rolltide and i felt like a traitor
He put his hand in my cleavage. NOT ON. IN. BETWEEN. NO more gingers
I just had my first lesbian experience. Out of spite.
I'm either a high functioning alcoholic or I'm making the most of the fact that this is the last year that its socially acceptable to be black-out drunk five days a week.
he gave me a flinstones gummy vitamin and was like, "ya know.. because of ebola."
I woke up to pizza pinned to my wall. So that's that.
I was giving him a blowjob but we had to stop because he started crying when his cat walked in and started staring at us
I feel like I shouldn't be left around 30 year olds when I'm drunk
Just looked at my bank statement. 9 out of 10 transactions on the first page were from 9 different bars. The 10th was for birth control pills at the pharmacy. I need to rethink my lifestyle.
Taking a walk while tripping face during Halloween time was a bad idea. I started crying bc I was so scared and hide in the parks playground.
Randomize
