I often get tempted to walk up to her drunk ass and say, "shouldn't you be taking care of your kid?"
My fight-or-flight response is really more fight-or-fuck
look what he's done to me, i actually want to be a stripper now.
You kept screaming "Its taco night!" before every shot
When I look at old family photos I know how jessica simpson feels when she watches dukes of hazzard
The cab driver had me sign for the payment and I was like give me a second while I throw up right outside your door.
that was after you ironed the burrito. didn't leave much cheese on the ironing board though
If I die I have 2 requests one a viking funeral prye and 2 I want you to take over my facebook and haunt the fuck out of everyone
I tried to tell him I love him but it came out something like "We're both fucked up and it works."
You were so high you insisted on spoon feeding me your KFC bowl while I was driving.
Was who let the dogs out playing?
Ya. You started barking when it ended
my life is about to be the like the hunger games except with penises. and im going to win.
I need a burrito and a hug.
PUB CRAWL IS THE WEEK I COME BACK FROM NOLA OMG OMG OMG. Has it been a year already since I tried to make out with you and you let a bar tender take a shot out of your cleavage? Time flies.
I found a hot kiwi last time and sucked his dick. That's what rooftop bars are made for.
I know you would never do it--but if I ever walk into your house and find a "live love laugh" ANYTHING, I will commit you to an asylum. If it is a vinyl decal adhered to the wall, I will just smother you myself.
Randomize
