battery dying...get laid and text me after...or during...its whatever.
he came so fast he could have be employed at jimmy johns
There is a clear recurring theme of me having sex in restrooms that really needs to stops
Dude I need help. What word is complimentary, but sounds like "chunky"?
I've been very busy/drunk lately... Sorry.
No, but I woke up here and my pockets are full of raisins. Like 6 different pockets.
I woke up on the toilet with my feet gorilla glued to the floor, cake and makeup on my face and my hand glued to my head.
Welcome to the world of vodka. Rule #1: NEVER PASS OUT. Happy 21st
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
it still weirds me out that Robin Thicke is Alan Thicke's son
Ended up in some house where this dude has a $1200 leopard cat
Side note: I just realized that I can make my hand warmers double as a heated push up bra.
My brother is so high right now he's eating frozen peas and called them "fucking delightful"
Oh fuck, I'm officially a cougar..he's got the same name as my grandson
the universe is starting to freak me out.. ive now had sex with 3 people who were born on the same day..
im mourning your vaginas lack of frictional upkeep
Randomize
