I'm wearing a childsize birthday hat and a bib. I am the def of sex appeal rite now
doing washington apple shots with my mom. sunday afternoons suddenly got so much better.
My professor just used "labia" and "numchucks" in the same sentence. I am dying.
I'm not 100% sure, but I think someone gave me a bath last night...
Watching the 1st game of the world cup. I'll drunk dial you at 8:30 to wake you up for work.
Walk of shame: Easter Edition. He is risen.
The girl in the stall next to me is puking her brains out, I'd say she had just a good a weekend as us
I gave her some alkaseltzer ad she looked at me lke I was god
And I'm determined to make an Eiffel Tower happen sometime. I just don't know who will take the pic (first world sex problem?)
How do you delicately ask if your friend's dad was arrested for solicitation of prostitution?
It's just great that Easter is on 4/20 this year. Now everyone can enjoy the Easter egg hunts. And being around my whole family.
There's no time frame.
For drinking wine out of the bottle and taking nyquil at 9 AM? There probably should be.
I'm going to the store to get corona, salad, and blunt wraps...
she hand cuffed me to the bed naked, jumped off the dresser naked, hit her head on the fan and knocked herself out. when her mom came home i had to call her for help, she could have died man...
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
I turn 40 next week. I deserve to celebrate the end of my 30’s with a 21 year old dick
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