Is my tampon string too long for this dress?
My face is bruised from laying on the concrete. NO MORE VODKA!
frankly if you're gonna get kicked out of your place, hooking up with your gay roommate's boyfriend would be the most entertaining way to do it.
You thought last year was bad... a guy dressed as a clown showed up with cocaine
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
We had a pillow fight. It looks like an angel exploded here. A DRUNK ALCOHOLIC ANGEL
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
We put a ban on pants at an unusually early point in the night.
Update. A gay dude just told me I'm the most beautiful thing with a vagina he as ever seen. How should I feel about this?
MY GOD DAMN TV STOPS WORKING EVERY TIME I AM THIS FUCKING HIGH. WHY MUST IT TORMENT ME?!
I just said "you do you" to my penis.
Wow this just keeps getting better, weed, shrooms, a stripper..........a gun.
Left my wallet at the store. Wouldn't have noticed if the joint I just rolled wasn't in it.
If you can wrestle my underwear off of me, you can top. It'll be like using an amulet in Legends of the Hidden Temple. Instead of not getting captured, you don't get fucked in the ass.
Randomize
