i guess you could say your face is two degrees of separation from my balls
swear to god some girl just crawled out of the washing machine. this is intense.
He looks like Ryan Reynolds from this angle
Since when is drunk an angle?
just used clorox wipes to give myself a whores bath. hello finals week
What did you give her? She's trying to tape her wrists so her hands don't fall off.
In the UK. Bar special, every drink costs a pound. I'm two shots away from being deported. God save the queen.
THERE IS A GOAT THERE IS A GOAT IN MY BED IT IS EATING MY THONG WHAT DID YOU DO
Just successfully made home fries from potatoes we used as bowls while stoned as shit. I deserve a trophy.
On Wednesday I'm putting wine in a water bottle and crashing Margaret thatchers funeral
Dude I was tripping acid when she was crying and I literally couldn't defend myself
i don't know how to react to you in a diaper crying and calling a football 'sadie'.
Imagine how different my life would be if I could find a man who gave me more pleasure than pizza at 2am when I'm drunk.
i said cake fell into my bra, you stood up and yelled "Im coming soldier", leaped acrossed the couch and started motorboating my boobs. i would have been cool with it if your mom didnt keep calling me the "lesbiainizer"
The closest thing I've had to an orgasm lately is sneezing nonstop from fucking allergies.
So I remember having an orgasm, but I didn't wake up next to anyone. Your dog is afraid of me. Is this a sick joke?
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