My nipple is on Facebook.
Its already bleeding so dont be alarmed after you bite it
I may or may not be drunk driving a golf cart. Vegaaaassssssss.
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
You were scared that your teeth were shrinking so you stuck your fist in your mouth. then you were convinced your hand was growing cuz it got stuck so yu started crying
making an appointment with student health services to check out my pinkeye on 4/20. they are going to thing this is such a joke
My god this is going to ruin whatever Vegas left of our souls...
If you don't want me in your apartment then lock your door better
Fuck man, my Dad's been single so long I get him a year's sub to a porn site every year for for Father's Day
In other news, people don't judge you when you buy a vibrator if you buy a funny birthday card and bag with it. I learned that this weekend.
Just FYI, by the transitive property my breasts have now touched the Stanley Cup.
I'm by the tree and the Dora the explorer balloon .. Look for the Dora the explorer balloon
What's the best way to tell someone that I accidentally wound up in a gay harem?
I am luring the porn star to my house with chicken!
You got drunk, made toast, and declared yourself a domestic goddess.
Randomize
