can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
i just saw my boxers from 2 days ago stuck in a tree 4 miles from my house
is it bad i banged a 25yr kindergarten teacher last night?
No thats like a top 10
My roommate's all sad and is crying and the chick I want to bang is in the room and Nic Cage is on fire. What the fuck.
SHE WON'T ROUND UP MY GRADE! I have a 79.8% I ONLY MISSED TWO CLASSES!!! ONE WHEN I GOT DRUGGED AND ONE WHEN MY CAR GOT BROKEN INTO!! I'm interculturally competent. I used to date a Italian/Cherokee Indian. I fucked a Palestinian. How much more pro-peace can you get?
For thanksgving we are only drinking wild turkey for the next 24hrs time to strap your balls back on and maybe a helmet
Ps we bought 8 pellet guns just now
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
we told you you couldn't get your dick sucked because you were a girl and you yelled at us and said we were 'discriminating you'
We'll never be able to grow apart now. You can't look at a stranger & say "Yea I ate goldfish crackers off his dick." & just be casual about that.
You may be fancy. But you'll never be having cheesy garlic bread and scotch at 3am fancy.
all I want for my birthday is booze and sex toys. don't bother calling if neither of those are included.
There's a guy in a plaid shirt running around asking everyone if they want to head butt him
Randomize
