Drunk x Brooklyn = problems getting home. If I don't make it you can have my computer and my bitches. You're welcome.
My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
Excuse me by sucking dick i am fighting crime. Just think of all the prostitues going out of business and getting real jobs.
drunk tastebuds have low standards.
and then you looked me right in the eyes and said "i just really wanna pet some horses right now"
No idea how he made them, but vodka water balloons were a horrible idea.
she's traveling up the coast with her camera and a stash of pot cookies eating food from different campuses. said she slept in a closet 2 states away last nite... of course I'm interested
A guy at one of our big accounts just said you probably dont remember meeting me saturday night ps you were right about those two girls being lesbian
well in the interest of full disclosure I have been using a used kfc spork as a buttscratcher for a month
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
I woke up with Pop Rocks stuck to my ass
Finding out you're not a mother on Mother's Day >>>
They were so sore! Either I have bed bugs or you were biting my nipples last night and don't lie to me.
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