The ticket read "Found nude in a tree"
Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
I just found pie in my hoodie pocket... This break needs to end.
i have no feeling in my penis or fingers but i think it was worth it
You are the worst substitute drug dealer ever
If you value your immune system buddy, walk away from that one.
We're fucking and Lee Greenwood God Bless the USA comes on and he came. It was the most Roll Tide America moment of my life.
I can't sleep. My mind keeps asking "turn down for what?" but it won't accept any of my answers.
THIS THING HATES MY LIVER
And all i could do was bury the part of me that felt guilty for cradle robbing and put on my dick swallowing bib.
look, my penis is an amusement park, and it's closed for maintenance. why can't you just accept that?
I will be wearing a suit out more cuz it has been decided i rage harder with a power tie
I really need to get to the point where I can poop at his house. I’ve taken three shits on the way home already.
Yea and there’s destruction when we’re together, mostly of our livers but W/e
Randomize
