Is there any way you can check to see if I have a warrant out in Alabama?
Just took a celebratory "i havent slept with anyone in this bar" shot. yesssss....
i wish i could tell you the night didnt begin with me drinking alone
If he starts "inventing" things cut him off. The last thing he invented was chocolate chip green beans and he destroyed my kitchen
you just kept yelling NO BUENO SENOR at the cashier and throwing coins at him, of course you were going to get kicked out of the grocery store
It finally happened. My conscience stopped working. I've never felt so free
I blacked out after you got about 8 goldfish out of the tank and put them in your pockets. We're not allowed back. It was a sucky Walmart anyway...
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
I got to masturbate in Rome in a gorgeous hotel room. Don't try and tell me I need a boyfriend
I woke up with my wool blanket soaking wet on the dorm room floor, and my sweatshirt hanging on the shower door down the hall. So basically my camp-out-in-the-bathroom idea didn't turn out as planned
Best part about a crippling state-wide drought? Actually having a valid excuse for not showering
He called my boobs fluffy. Part sexy part pilsbury dough boy. Part sexy pilsbury dough boy. I'm so confused. And flattered?
Putting plan B on my parents credit card wasn't the smartest idea
I twisted my ankle while drunkenly playing in my adult kickball league. Now I'm having to use my grandpa's cane to walk at this party. I am so single.
He told me he would make me come so hard I would throw up. I'm actually horrified that he thinks that's something any person would want
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