Her vagina felt like a horse was eating an apple out of my hand..
Oh. He liked you.
Then you said "Are you asian?, I didn't know there was Asians in Colorado."
I left when they started reinacting what appeared to be a jerry springer episode
My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...
TO ALL WHO WERE IN MY HOUSE LAST NIGHT: WHOEVER STOLE MY BONG AND PUT IT ON THE ROOF WILL BE PAYING MY HOSPITAL BILL FROM LAST NIGHT.. AND BUYING ME A NEW, SWEETER BONG.
Do you know why I have a burn shaped like a tiny spork?
He needs to seriously stop texting me at 3am for sex. Late night and early morning hours are for the guys who DON'T bust a nut in the first 5 minutes of making out.
Yeah minute men are best for late afternoons when you're inbetween running errands and have nothing to do.
The bad news is tonight is also a blue moon, ergo, latin, I will have to get 'once in a blue moon' drunk which I feel is significantly more dangerous than IPO drunk
the bride at the wedding we just crashed said we can stay only if we strip for her. You need to get down here
im not trying to sound dramatic, but im covered in microwavable lasagna
IM WEARING A FLAG
So that's a no to the clothes then
FLAG
I vote we get high and sneak off to McDonald's to get mcflurries.
YES. ALL MY YES.
Someone put pennies in the toilet. This isn't a fucking wishing well
It was the highest I'd ever been. I felt like a blob. A blob eating a burrito.
the fact you finally accept your bi don't shock me but as your fuck buddy I expect you girls to go family style on me
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