i would rim the shit out of meg ryan
it's like i need an invisible sign across my boobs that says "DOESN'T HAVE DADDY ISSUES" that only old men can see
Are you dead or are you taking another 13 hour nap? you need to let me know these things ahead of time so i dont worry.
hey im home...im not sure how this mcdonalds got here but whatever im gonna eat it anyway.
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
we didnt even make it to the club...the two of us were sharing a plastc bag in the taxi puking into it.
dude a monday night stripper made you motorboat her. you should get that checked out
I really hope your new roommate never finds out we had a threesome with a bisexual British guy in his room the night before he moved in.
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
I'd rather be sodomized with a fullly decorated Christmas tree.
I've woke up with the same hoodie on backwards, twice this week. I think that's a record
He just said "I know you want my cock" and I said nah. I want food bro
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
I think I may have just hit a new slutty low! ..... Just purchased the Costco pack of condoms... $9.99/48 pack = amazing deal! The judgement when I bust out the value pack = priceless!!!
Let me set the mood for you. Do you remember Britney Spears in her Hit Me Baby One More Time era? Well I just fucked this college girl I shit you not her name is Persephone and she looks exactly like Britney Spears back when she was hot. I might be in love.
Randomize
