Whats the opposite of morning wood? Whatever its called, everyone saw it when it fell out.
being a part time student has turned me into a full time alcoholic.
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
when i'm drunk i think im just gonna point at him and yell adultery is a sinnnn. youre going to helllll
Fuck. I just got my nipple tweaked by a plus size drag queen in a purple dress. I feel like I got molested by Grimace.
I think all I remember saying is, "I love Chris Berman's voice" and then I passed out
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
You're seeing with your vagina, not your eyes.
Its official... I need to stop being so slutty.. the guy I had sex with on friday delivered my jimmy johns tonight.
We are such grown women, dealing with life's problems one shower beer and reckless makeout session at a time.
EW FUCK GROSS GODDAMMIT I WENT DOWNSTAIRS AND MY GODDAMN BROTHER WAS FINGERING SOME GIRL ON THE FLOOR DOESN'T HE KNOW HE FUCKING LIVES WITH PEOPLE
Hangover and judgement, the breakfast of champions.
Randomize
