Dude, you really need to stop hitting on girls by telling them you sang a cappella in college.
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
He told me he doesn't dance and he hates drunken excitement. Why I ever thought it would work is beyond me.
This shit I'm taking feels like I've eaten every burrito in the world and chased that with an aquarium of hot sauce.
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
It's like you're a magic genie of bad timing
...I think i just fell in love with a random undergrad at first glance. He was the awkward young adult version of captain hook. Dear god i need to get off this campus.
I'm currently eating a turkey dinner, listening to xplosive by dr. Dre, and drinking rum. Hispanic christmas dinners are the best.
It tastes like you we're too lazy to shower and instead just sprayed yourself with Febreeze.
You have a very discerning palate.
2 things: 1) can you get hep from toilet water? And 2) do you know where we can get a new skillet for cheap?
Please tell me those aren't related.
I made rice.
Sailor Jerry came over for the evening. It was a magical evening. I didn't even get puke in the house.
I told you, she may have multiple personality disorder, but like in the most upbeat way possible.
Thanks for ruining my life with your man penis
Don't worry. I have logic.... just not morals.
Relationship goals: we both wore red underwear tonight. Except he won’t know because my bra been off but it’s the thought that counts I guess.
Randomize
