hey what are you doing
hooking up with some marlborough girl. shes gorgeous!
i texted you because i like you, and i told my freinds you were my fiance. but sine we're not dating you're not cheating and i'm pathetic
is this the only place in the world where you can get shot on one side of town, and have to stop for cows crossing the street on the other side?
apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
Yes, you did come over last night. You also tried to give my dog a blowjob. You got rejected.
I do what I can to inject something into your life every day. Today, humor. Saturday. Penis.
I got him a footlong to apologize for trying to push him off a balcony...
I've never had goosebumps on my dick before. It was definitely not a bad feeling.
In the pictures there's a flower in my hair and also a lobster, I need those things explained
STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
You better fucking tell me or I'm turning blow job week into go fuck yourself week.
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
Definitely thought about throwing up in the cat box since it's not as far to the bathroom..
You kept asking us from the backseat if you were driving ok and then you kept talking to your hiccups and yelling at them to "stop it already!"
I masterbated to his instagram page. Too far or....?
we were clicking our heels together saying theres no place like home, while the cops were tellin us to call our parents and tell them what happened.
Randomize
