my dad just encouraged me to do a kegstand
i just licked mashed potatoes off my blackberry. i'm not even ashamed to admit that to you.
my mom just asked me about sexting and if I have ever sent a naked picture to anyone. i fucking hate fox news.
the only sentence i could make out from her was "i will wash these herpes away"
they esentially rejected my mermaid threesome offer:(
His penis is literally smaller than my cell phone. I can't go out like that.
So what's the verdict on pumpkin smoothies with vodka? I puked.
I woke up naked wrapped in my roommate's towel with one leg shaved and money thrown all over the room. Happy 21st birthday.
Hey remember that night when you sang Fergie to me? I think that's the exact moment in time when the thought "I could be faithful to this man" came into serious consideration.
Came so hard my ears popped. This lovely piece of news and pissin in my driveway brought to you by rum
I just got a girl to make out with me just by saying "get at me." Get at me
How many Wendy's frosties do you think it would take to fill a bathtub?
The amount of illegal things I've done this weekend is astounding.
Well, he was practically tripping over his dick to get to me so I'd say my new dress was successful
It's so obvious he's evil. I mean, would a non-evil person have facial hair like that?
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