I will show your tits more attention than Michael Jackson's death.
The sex was great until she started shouting, "Succeed!, Succeed!" Then it was like I was fucking a motivational speaker. Awkward.
I promise you 4 toothbrushes taped together and lube does not do the trick
We can't have sex anymore. The amount of money I've spent on meds and copays for UTIs is getting ridiculous
Just a heads up. Everytime I get arrested in Maine I claim I lost my ID and use your name.
Just look for the house with the beer knights.
So I went tanning and I burned my boobs.
They're like sad pomegranates.
I mean it's like...I'm sorry I slept with your boyfriend but is it my fault that he failed to mention you when I was giving him head in the Dave and Busters bathroom?
There is so much wrong with that sentence
Yeah there really shouldn't be a bar at D&B's...shit gets real
Eh. Fuck him. He's missing out. I'm legit naked and drinking straight from the bottle of wine.
He said he'd prefer a photo rather than discuss politics, I sent him a snapchat "conservative shorts 4 conservative man". He said "be liberal"
I forgot to tell you that he serenaded me with "Fuck Her Gently" by Tenacious D. And I didn't hate it.
You spent the whole night conversing with your zombie poster, so I'd say you were pretty far gone.
Whatever, ill dance on the bar at applebees, don't try and act like you're above it.
all I remember the next morning was crawling through the doggy door and finding my underwear in my purse
Still riding the magical train of drugs so, yeah, Id say I feel great
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