You were peeing on yourself thinking it was the sprinkler in your yard
after last halloween when i met that 26yr old guy from russia who was hot until we madeout and he became obsessed with touching my forehead after the ecstasy he did and then tried to sell me pills from an m&m mini container, i think im staying away from parties downtown
He just told me the blow job I gave him was like a journey
Can you imagine how doomed are children are? I mean for one they have our genetics and then we will ruin them as parents. It will be the most magical adventure. Let's not start soon, too many adventures at hand that involve immense amounts of alcohol.
Like sorry you chose to have an attractive girlfriend dude
Just got to Evans to buy weed. His mom showed up unannounced. Now the three of us are chillen. Super.
I'm going to stop at grocery on the way home. I'm CRAVING wine from a sippy cup. We have neither wine nor sippy cups.
Sally, Your mom and my mom hooked up in college, we must uphold this tradition.
It's like the dark age of my sex life being stuck here
I got to my internship late... with a bag of chipotle and sex hair.
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
I was totes going to lose it to him last night, but I cried and we ate mexican food instead.
this kid sitting diagonally in front of me is searching "cheap bongs" on google. hahahhaaha. who does this kid think he is?
I'm a peeled potato compared to her. I'm a peeled potato compared to anyone. I'm a peeled potato.
Are you high?
Randomize
