hey im gonna send you a picture of my dinner
if its a picture of your dick again we are no longer friends
he puts the penis in happiness.
I was born with a shot glass in my hand
mom just called and i was mid bong hit but i answered anyways coughing and sounding rough she the apologized for waking her little angel up. its 2PM
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
I was going through my mom's high school yearbook...almost half the people who signed it referred to her as "Karen Smokejoints", "Confused Karen", or drew a picture of a joint. I have never felt more like her daughter.
Any little, cute, petite blondes with you?
Nah, I got some slutty brunettes though.
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
Guess who has two thumbs and just fell outta his car and almost peed himself
So that's all you want from me. Easy ass.
And an everlasting friendship
It wasn't so much skinny dipping. It more like skinny walking...through a fountain.
I just look at my butt and see so much potential.
The night was crazy enough that we did a workout. Instructed by the bouncer at 2am
Y'all let us switch shirts in the middle of 200 people....why did you let me get this drunk by noon?
Last time we had sex i was dressed like a ninja turtle and someone else was in our bed, so this time should be fine.
I hope ur kiddin
wish i was
Randomize
