I'm waiting for seagulls to eat this throw up
as they left, you opened the door, dropped your pants then yelled "don't leave, this is what you're missing"
It seems like every guy I've hooked up with all end up hanging out together, its like a cult.
I drove 5 hours to see her. She thanked me by getting shitfaced, inviting her boyfriend over, and making me sleep on the couch after I cooked for them and did the dishes. You're right. I'm a fucking doormat.
just walked into the study room and found an empty bottle of vodka and a passed out freshman. Did you have anything to do with this?
and then we all passionately sang "what if god was one of us" until everyone passed out in the grass
All I know is that every time I looked at my glass it was full again and I thought it would be rude not to drink it
Just fucked a MILF from Alaska. I love traveling.
The fact that you think I have a life is so flattering to me.
Right now, there's some ten year old kid getting ready to go outside and play basketball. He will soon find out his basketball hoop was no match for my car.
Swish.
I felt like a personal hot pocket and all I could taste was cigarettes.
Also, it was so cold in that bathroom that I saw my crap steaming, a first in my life
I can hear the pillow talk now, "how many condoms did you bring? Good, put them all on,"
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
wait i saw you last night?
we found you ass naked on the couch covered in pillows.
Randomize
