is your mom at the bar?
Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
can't come out tonight. went to the bar again last night and the bartender hugged and thanked me so much for my "generosity." I'm intrigued but terrified to see my credit card bill.
I'm not really sure how I got home, but judging by this headache, i'm assuming it involved bourbon.
i just realized i've hooked up with every boy in this taco bell
That's the classiest thing you've ever said.
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
He def has a gf... But hes 7 feet tall and that superceeds any morality I may have.
You're surprisingly coherent for someone who thinks her couch is breathing.
Hung over. Bed full of legos for some reason. Not getting up. Come build stuff with me.
You poured your drink on yourself and then said "it's not a party until I'm wet"
im breathing rainbows and everyone is talking in bubbles whatever you gave me give me more
Her boyfriend caught us fucking and said "cool you're cheating too" and left.
You live a charmed life.
He left his cock-ring in my truck.
Consider it a gay sex souvenir.
He saved that picture of my boobs for good luck romance still exists
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
Randomize