well my last 2 orgasms were over shoe sales at macy's. what does that tell you?
im pretty sure there are laws against slapping prostitutes
i'm pretty sure there are laws against prostitutes.
I looked at my own cervix.
oh great. kentucky is ranked #1 in the country for child abuse. go us.
I'm eating my dinosaur chicken nuggets in the order they would die in the food chain.
I guess the cop knew i was on a walk of shame and felt bad...i got to play with the siren the rest of the way home
If we get out of this alive, I'm never going to a Denny's at 3 am again.
dude that bald bouncer just did a body shot off of brian and then kicked us out for trying to charge him for it
I've had more sex in the two weeks since we broke up than I ever had in any two weeks we were together.
There's two big trays of water in our freezer. I just hope they freeze by Saturday. for the ice luge.
its Wednesday...
they're reeeeeally big trays
Do you want the something i can tell my mom in ten year version or the you're gonna call me a whore but be proud version?
He's coming back with me for the week. It took me saying "I don't wanna drive myself home... I'm better as a passenger giving road head" for him to jump at it. Rack another one up for my magical openings.
Dude i swear to christ if he sends me one more pic of a "magnificent dump" im changing my number
Let's put a bunch of beers in a backpack and shotgun them in a Red Lobster bathroom
For 15 minutes straight, he literally did every accent there was, from Russian to Bostonian. The issue: no one could determine whether he was sober, wasted, or anywhere in between
Randomize
