he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
ya and he came three minutes into it because he didnt have sex all summer
oh that makes more sense i knew you arent that good
It's sad because pictures are supposed to say a thousand words, and theirs just say 'fat'
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
At one point in time, he cried and said I didn't appreciate him.
Dude, you need to understand there is a fine line between "guilty pleasure" and in the closet gay
I guess I made wings because there's chicken everywhere. Even on the walls. 3 of them. It's like a chicken grave yard.
I plan on just grabbing someone's dick if I have to. They will know what's up. Why else do you go to a bar alone on valentines day?
I'm so lazy and tired i just want to cry and fall asleep in a bed of egg mcmuffins.
So we stayed at his mom's and all got drunk and he and I hooked up in his old bedroom. Then his drunk mom came in and tackled us when we were still naked. Why does this keep happening to me?
i chased my gummy vitamins with cold bacon, never say I don't take care of myself
Dude, if that was the MLB player I think it was leaving your bedroom this morning please tell me you got his autograph. It could pay the rent for like six months.
come pick your gf up from my house. she's sitting in the fridge and hissing at the cat to let her eat the potatoes. btw i dont have a cat
I need weed and if he's hot, maybe he can supply me with sex too.
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