If they made snuggies with a sleeve for my morning wood, id consider buying one...
I just saw a Puerto Rican child between the ages of 8 and 11 with a faint mustache talking very loudly on the bluetooth in his ear about how "Skittles are played the fuck out"
sellin beer in gallon jugs is both the best and worst idea ever. Im only gonna have one beer...but its gonna be 128 ounces.
you came downstairs saying you were now 'dressed to impress'
what was i wearing?
nothing
I am solely responsible for the birth of their child. I mean, I did push them into the room and hold the door shut yelling "punch that kitty!". It has to be a sign.
i wasn't about to bring her gummy handcuffs to her father's funeral
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
I feel like I've been drunk all of June. And I am in NO WAY ashamed about it.
My roommate made me a peanut butter and sprinkles sandwich. Maybe tonight isn't that bad
Question: would asking the hot guy from the grocery store to "beer me" his number be a poor decision?
Yes and yes. Got taken to a Florida strip club. I desperately want to flood my eyes and ears with hand sanitizer right now.
Psh a bachelors degree is the new adulthood. We're all just pretending anyways. I'm sitting on my boyfriends couch while he's passed out drunk. In my lap. On a Wednesday. And he's a nurse. See, pretending to be an adult
Me and the guy at the liquor store are on a first name basis, college is all about networking.
I almost lit my balls on fire tonight.
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
Randomize
