a pedometer??? no beatles?Steve jobs just took a dump in CA and it landed on my heart
he is the anna nicole to my 90 year-old billionaire. i'm grateful that he's fucking me, so i'm buying him shit.
so how was last night?
got high and had our usual talk about the definition of cole slaw. then tried to call the ramen noodle company and convince them why my face should be on thier packages.
Atty had lunch with DA and confirmed I am not the target of the investigation. No word on anything else
normally i would apologize for my drunk texting but even sober me agrees.
No, not at all. Pulling a condom out of your vag at 2pm is NOTHING like finding $10 in your winter coat. Stop trying to make me feel better.
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
Have bite marks on my arm where my temporary tat was Saturday night. Did someone try to bite Captain America or something?
One of the many mysteries surrounding the weekend...
He told me that his greatest skill was making White Russians.
Well I'm a full service fuck buddy so lemme know if I can get you food or water or anything
Noo not in a booty call way, in a 'How are your abs and penis doing today?' sort of way.
He has no idea he’s my boyfriend.
Get over your kidney infection all ready. You have been sober for too long.
I wanted to have a threesome but they’re TOO HETERO
I just realized u compared me to a coconut
Randomize
