Got a toothbrush?
john hughes is dead. crushing any and all dreams of me ever being in an 80's john hughes film. bummer.
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
This house was built for laser tag.
she asked me if i wanted her to take her wedding ring off while she was giving me a handjob.
I made her cum... she sounded like Ray Romano
Tonight's trip to the ER was brought to you by, "fork jousting."
Apparently I tried to convince him to sleep with me by showing him that I could do dips....
she's drunk at 2 in the afternoon again. at least my mother is predictable.
Well, my nose won't stop bleeding from really bad cocaine and my purse is full of plastic gold coins. Also, someone saved in my phone as "tyrannosaurus sex" won't quit texting me. Savannah won. Let's put it that way.
This is home. And home is where you find your family. And you try not to make out with your family.
So how was the sex with me last night?
No worse than usual.
She dresses like Bruce Banner and fucks like the Hulk. She is all of my lesbian fantasies come true.
See if shell let you call her dr banner in bed
Do you have any idea how awkward it was to type ‘dog twerking’ into google search? Because I don’t think you do.
I texted her mom a picture of us doing it saying "I'm trying to make your daughter just like you!" she was not amused.
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