im in a room full of women tattooing each others tits. i hope i remember this tomorrow
i had a dream last night that my liver tore its self out of my body and ran away.
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
she was handing out condoms w/ her number on them...
Made a salesman quit his job, a saleswoman cry, and got a manager to half shout "fuck this"....successful drunk Christmas shopping
Medically speaking as your gynecologist and your girlfriend, that is not a rash.
And we're breaking up
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
Some girl at my gym just tried to casually drop the fact she can kegel 3 lbs...
I draw, I play three woodwind instruments, I press buttons for eight hours at work and Im studying to be a gynecologist... I guarantee I can make you squirt, babe.
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
I just rolled a blunt at my desk. Happy early Friday!
Costco cheesecake and whisky. A night made in heaven
At some point the phrase "I've hit rock bottom" stopped having a meaning and became my general state of life
He said we had an hour long conversation about how awesome I was.
This is the most exciting thing since movie theater hand jobs
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