So I just went home and made my own spanx by cutting the legs off of a pair of nylons. I'm either a genius or missed my calling to live in a trailer park.
Okay I'm all about any plan that ends with "We're gonna get you drunk."
After that we used the in-room hotel coffee pot to warm up some queso. it was brilliant
Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
It didn't get weird until she took off her underwear, looked down, and said "fill her up!"
Meet me at the corner of "what the fuck" and"how'd you get in my bed" in 10 minutes.
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
Well he has a girlfriend. So I told him that I wanted to have sex way more than I wanted to be a decent human being.
thing about being the result of a teen pregnancy is that all my baby pictures are of my mom and dad holding me around their stoned college friends.
Like theyre better than no shoes. I'm sitting her balls naked playing xbox in nothing but crocs with the fur
I'm gonna have to get you a special blowjob bib -- like a lobster bib -- but instead of a picture of a little red lobster, it will have a picture of a penis, with 3 big squirts coming out.
So, I'm about to take my pants off in the Walmart parking lot, when am old lady parks next to me. I'm all the way in the back next to the semis. What the hell?
I want my tombstone to read "making poor life decisions since 1993"
We're ordering chinese food so if you want to get on this obesity train answer me now.
He was referring to me as "Teenage Dream" the whole night
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