If you had to guess, would you say that as a species, midgets are more or less flammable than humans?
Less. Duh. They have less combustible mass.
I hope you have a really shitty weekend. I love you.
what's for breakfast?
Advil and throwup
dont like to call her my roomate, too cordial. i refer to her as the whore that was assigned to live with me
After throwing up in a tequila bottle on my nightstand (still not sure how she did that) she asked if she could slip into something more comfortable.
I told him "thank you for wearing a turtleneck yesterday, I no longer have a strong erg to have sex with you. " He is no longer speaking to me.
Do you want the something i can tell my mom in ten year version or the you're gonna call me a whore but be proud version?
I was at that stage of drunk where it seemed appropriate to just make out with everyone. As like a greeting.
I hear you
She called my landing strip a "vagina mohawk"....
Lesbians are weird.
I'm all about sex. But even I know there will be a time to retire my junk. And that will be my 40th birthday, or whenever I'm hideous
I have to deal with three things I do not like this weekend. Pooping in toilets that are not mine. Air mattresses. Not beating off in the shower.
I just ate beer and cupcakes for breakfast.... maybe this fourth of july won't be so bad
It's not your birthday unless mom picks you up at the bar
I'm at that point in my life where stripping isn't the worst thing I would do for money
Sometimes I look at dogs and just thing about how it's weird we both came from wolves
Lay off the drugs kid
Randomize
