So we were in the middle of hooking up when he stopped me. I thought he was having a moral dilemma about the whole having a girlfriend thing. But no. He got down on all fours, butt naked, and started throwing up and farting simultaneously. I took it as my cue to leave.
we have a love-hate relationship...we love having sex but hate waking up next to eachother
For the amount I put out, I should be going on way more dates.
The lifeguard told us we had to move Mike before the tide came in when he passed out.
Just because I tried to backhand you with a fist full of cash does not make me violent
I am trying to think of a way to tell him about thanksgiving and the following weekend in a way that makes me sound funny and exciting and not like an alcoholic
Make sure you have everything youll need until sunday. aka a green shirt and condoms.
I thought you were single?
I am. But thats cuz no one wants to marry shame and regret doused in tequila. But thanks for reminding me ya dick.
I'm getting shit face wasted, and I have to be up so early tomorrow. I am bad at smart.
Normally this is when girls give blow jobs. That's how you mentally condition them to put up with PMSing, because they see the shinny blowjob light at the end of the tunnel.
You were being mean. And telling everyone to suck your six inch strap on. People were not pleased
Please be lying.
Im not. Your family was creeped out
I swear to god he's making pineapple onions and cheese. He thinks he's making eggs onions and cheese
All I found in my purse this morning was 160 cigarettes and a fistful of confetti.
So I think my motto should be "losing bras and dignity every weekend" but like in a really amazing way
This chick walked up to me in the bar and started making out with me, then grabbed my drink while I wasn't looking and walked off.
Randomize
