; Think of how many worthless people would b non existant if there was no liquor so their parents never hooked up
It's what's on the inside that counts(972): They probably have big open vaginas so the inside is no good
I'm scared. I feel like she's my mom and she just walked in on me having sex. Like she's "disappointed"
if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
i came on her dog
regular news: took many shots of tequila.....bad news: woke up with a toothbrush and vagisil next to me.....good news: clean as a whistle
You ad-libbed two DETAILED rounds of price is right, 1 wheel of fortune, and 1 deal or no deal.... by yourself with sound effects and music included
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
currently pooping in a public restroom while drinking free beer. there has never been a finer line between awesome and depressing.
I stole a fireplace last night.
Yeah I don't even know dude. This shit has reached new levels of ridiculous. Let's hope baby Jesus gallops down a rainbow on a sparkling unicorn and wills that bitch clean. I think that's the best chance we've got.
For our final psych experiment, we're conditioning Tim to hump the nearest inanimate object and/or person every time he hears a Ke$ha song
I lost my favorite bra in his hotel room. Is it bad that that's the only reason I hope he texts me tomorrow?
I feel like it's the kind of place that would appriciate my Aladdin vest
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
Randomize
