Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
so i definitely just saw 2 cops high five each other as they were arresting underage drinkers in 5 points.
you threw up in the bushes next to the ABC store and kept saying "you're home, blueberry vodka, you're home!"
you just kept yelling NO BUENO SENOR at the cashier and throwing coins at him, of course you were going to get kicked out of the grocery store
What are you talking about?! I shot gunned a monster while simaltaneously blowing gym boy Todd. If I'm not the poster child for being well rounded and versatile I have no idea what NYU is looking for
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
My dad is so drunk he attempted to ride my two year old cousin's tricycle. For a solid five minutes.
His whole street is under construction. Third walk of shame this week & I'm getting a lot of sympathetic nods from the workers.
He told me to tell my ass that he loved and missed it, and even though he hasn't known it long, it might be the one for him
I just took a service station dump so foul I had to buy gas out of guilt
We just had an accidental Facebook titty pic scare.
I'm eating cereal out of a cocktail shaker. That kind of blizzard.
I can't remember the last time I saw a penis in person that I didn't see a million times on text first
I woke up the whole house screaming I need my shorts they found me in the kitchen with a bag of strawberries naked
What kind of sociopath goes to sleep at 9pm when I clearly need attention
Randomize
