I'm like a new puppy, everybody wants to touch me
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
they were having a wine tasting so i tasted every wine...then knocked over an entire display of gourmet olives and was asked to leave... but they still let me buy my 6 bottles of wine before escorting me out
He was very impressed that you could put your hair in a ponytail by yourself while throwing up.
He was having a "party in the princess castle." At what point do I blindfold him and take him to AA?
honestly i just want a cigarette and someone to go down on me... are you interested in helping with either of those
Why don't you throw your vagina at it and see what happens?
I just almost said to a customer "P as in Pussy"
I asked what you thought of her and you replied not the biggest I have had
Whoever roofied me last night owes me a new pair of white jeans
Yes. He better. Or I will shave a penis into his beard while he sleeps.
Got myself invited to boss's family dinner party, drank too much, and fucked boss's brother in his parent's house. Just another Wednesday.
Get here now. There’s a guy dressed as Captain Morgan handing out miniature bottles of Captain Morgan.
my roommates gone so i can take codeine and sleep naked
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