I wish my penis had an off switch
I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
dude, showing up drunk to physics was the best idea ever. I just tripled my participation for the semester. I love st pattys day
so i finally decided to ask her out. she started mumbling, then she puked on me. i think i'll try again when she's sober
I just feel like Im gonna be remembered as that one RA guy that used to sell weed
I feel like someone had their period in my eyes.
I'm sorry I got a little outta control last night.
I ate goldfish off your shoulder, I think we had bigger issues
i had a long naked conversation with the cop on why is everything fun illegal
So my quick shower turned into a "lay in the shower and let the hot water reign over you because you are too hungover to wash your hair" shower. I'll be there closer to 1:30!
I hope Team Snapchat has been enjoying our sex snaps all this week.
He started making out with my boobs. I didn't know whether to be proud of my boobs or ashamed of my mouth.
Please tell me that I didn't call you to say I was swimming in outter space
I have vodka and 50 pizza rolls best spring break ever
I woke up only wearing a Breaking Bad "Los Pollos Hermanos" apron he got from Loot Crate next to a 3 empty bottles of Zima,Jolly Ranchers, and a jar of coconut oil. Fernet is one hell of a party starter
All I heard was "sit on my face" "okay" and muffled screaming. I'm still disappointed.
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