he has officially spend more money on me than any other boy. and its all gone to plan b. awesome.
"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
Zach is always passed out on the floor somewhere.face down in a puddle of his own absurdity
All i've had today is coffee and ketchup packets. I need a job like yesterday.
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
The claw marks on my back are healing nicely. Just thought you should know.
My bad. Next time I'll wear mittens.
She said she's different now I guess anytime you get a bible tatt it automatically cancels out all the whoring you did for 10 years
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
I just poured two shots of fireball into my Rapunzel mug I love finals.
I described my life as a 7 layer cake of death
Listen all we did was not even pretend we aren’t each other’s type and live together and constantly encourage each other to get laid for 6 months.
Idk how it devolved into us fucking.
I missed you last night. I'm sure he will never forget the night i sang my heart will go on into his penis like a microphone
Well, you started screaming "I dont know you GO AWAY" to your mom when she was holding your hair as you threw up in her garden.
Sharted again. Stuck in traffic. Fuck
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
Randomize