wrigley field is MILF paradise
Now it won't go down.
You've got a gift.
So I went out tonight...met a guy who slightly resembled my dad,huge creeper, he asked me to "hang out" so I gave him my moms number since he was more her type:)
I made her dinner: Beefaroni with grated parmesan cheese on top. Luckily she showed up drunk and gave me head, "For spending so much time preparing."
I tried calming him down but his eyes are rolling to the back of his head and he's yelling "COMA WEED!"
Not only is it unacceptable to be bar hopping alone at 5 o'clock. It is definitely unacceptable to do so with a lobster
This is why i like single justin better. my only regret is not being present for more of his short life. may he rest in peace
I started blowing him in North Dakota, and I finished the job in Minnesota. Oh, the places road head can take you.
How do I go about messaging a girl on a dating site whose little sister I've had a three some with...?
No. 70% of the female population would find them attractive. The other 30% are lesbian and even they would appreciate them for their strong bodies and athletic capabilities.
Our relationship needs a sober moment
I'll call you when that happens
He stopped his car in the middle of ongoing traffic to ask me to marry him. Then he got pulled over. Yeah I'd say the slutty Dallas Cowboys costume was a success.
Your hotness may or may not have landed him in jail.
We peed on campus in the middle of the tailgate and then hit on a married cop that asked you to stop touching him
FUCK YEAH PUPPY BOWL
THERE ARE NO EMOJIS TO SHOW MY SEXUAL FRUSTRATION
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