oddly enough my penis is pretty tan. the part of my body that gets the least amount of sunlight is tanner than most of the rest of my body.
I think its part of male evolution. Pretty soon they'll have diamonds on them and taste like chocolate.
you will always have a special place in my vag
It's hard to be above the influence when you are the influence.
Her tits were the only thing that upgraded her from "no way in fuck" to "drunken mistake"
Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
I asked the full emergency room who else was there because of homecoming and every single person raised their hand
Are you going to eat tacos off the floor again?
Eh. Fuck him. He's missing out. I'm legit naked and drinking straight from the bottle of wine.
girl pulled up to the stop sign, got out, threw up all over my hood said happy thanksgiving then drove off
She sent me a video of herself sitting in the car stone faced listening to the Titanic song on silence. She won't answer my texts.
You were trying to be sexy by spraying your contact solution on your chest and telling me to lick it off
Yeah. We're taking this fuck buddy relationship to the next level. Sober weekday sex.
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
My fuck it list is complete! I finally got a firefighter!
It's 3 am. Nothing I've tried can get the taste of failure and vomit out of my mouth.
Randomize
