I feel like my sweat is 40 proof right now
I think she heard me call her a fat skank. But she was to be fair.
its like randi wears special contacts, but instead of colors they make her eyes say "I want cock"
I went out in the middle of the night to smoke my weed.. Didn't realize my dad was sitting on the patio doing the exact same thing..
How many ice cream sandwiches is an acceptable meal replacement?
2.5
And then she was like, "don't do anything. No blow jobs, don't let him stick his fingers in weird places because people have germs."
Found you in the bushes with fireworks, a teacup and no shoes. Decided it was a bad time to wake you.
I'm going to need to borrow your helmet cam for my Wednesday night blackouts.
BEST FEELING EVER: Standing in a hot fucking shower, while super baked, while eating a cookie.
You eat cookies in the shower?
Send help, water and tortillas.
you did that thing you do when youre drunk where you rant about bruce springsteen, start hooking up with someone and then pass out midway through
He took my necklace off while we were 69ing. His tongue never stopped moving either. Take that, guys who can't figure out how bras work.
I got arrested in a leprechaun onesie
dude, there is no doorman in your lobby and the front door is locked
oh yeah, sorry he's up here at the party. coming now
He asked me to describe my life outside work. I responded with "Home-wrecker.
Randomize
