My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
she's using the space heater to try to heat up a pop-tart...
She fuckin peed on me
Stay golden ponyboy
You need an intervention. You fell into traffic walking home.
Not really. Birthday weekend. Totally jusifiable. Besides I didn't get hit. No harm no foul.
Just woke up to the best idea ever. Vodka infused BUTTER. Take a second, and think of the possibilities.
They sat me on college avenue with a puke bucket and people were mistakenly throwing change in it. Got me enough money take a cab back to my apartment.
How's your threesome situation going?
Optimistic
Not sure I just ate a really big pot brownie, I feel like my future is uncertain
I took in his dog. My exboyfriend still calls me for 2 things, blow jobs and animal rescue. I need to end this cycle
my neighbors having band practice on sunday morning is a message from the universe that I should stop drinking
You should come over tomorrow. Wine, pizza and my vagina. Those are all great things.
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
I'm soaking her vibrators in tabasco and wasabi paste. "furious" is an understatement
Omg I'm having dinner at chilli's with a guy who is arguing that getting a weed leaf tatoo on his neck will prevent him from getting a job as a dental assistant
Well that actually sounds reasonable
What?? I could've slept with an ordained minister!
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