i totally forgot about the coupon that said i would show him how i pleasure myself.
I lost count of how many people I peed on last night.
Literally been drinking for 10 hours. Hammered. Roasted chestnuts fell out of my shirt earlier.
Trying to convince myself that everyone keeps staring at me because I'm pretty and not because of my hickies.
I am now being bribed with one orgasm per every meal I eat. This is the best anorexia therapy ever
k. The important thing is we are going out. You are stones. I am mildly hallucenating.
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
answer my text you professional douchebag
and i mean that in the cutest, flirtiest way possible
He wants me to tell you "my boner misses you"
Smoking a bowl in nothing but a flamingo thong.
You were yelling at the mannequin and saying "DON'T LOOK AT ME"
What is it in my brain that makes me look at a penis and think "that belongs in my mouth"?
My boobs weigh the same amount as 25 pancakes
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
Randomize
