the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
He played with my vagina like it was a turntable
Just saw a girl i'm pretty sure is simultaneously jailbait and a milf. I never want to leave mexico.
according to the contents of this bucket, last night i swallowed a whole teabag
We shoved chex mix between her tits for her own survival.
We're about to have a bottle rocket fight on jetskis. You have 5 minutes to get on our level.
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
Get here, there are important joints to be smoked and pies to be eaten
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
Jimmy johns delivers to the bar behind work. Happy vodka day!
I wish I were single again so I could actually have sex.
my roommate woke me up with head. more awkward than it sounds.
I woke up this morning and had to retrieve my clothes from the flagpole, they were using my boxers as a makeshift rally flag for drinking. Yeah last night was a success.
holy f. i broke my toe giving him head. how does that even happen!?
Now, I know I say this a lot, but you've obviously never seen my penis.
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