tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
i called my mom using *69 and said this was the principal and Matt has a snow a day today. she believed me.
im sitting in my room wearing my power rangers shirt watching a movie about a magical dragon. Ive totally forgotten what having a sex life is like.
there is potential here for me to have a consistent access to someone's dick who isn't actually an asshole. i think i'm ready for a relationship.
he told me he was a chubby chaser.. then winked. i'm signing up for a gym pass as we speak
I feel choking has become trendy-- ita losing its effect. I may just have to go back to missionary to spice it up
They evidently had to pull his penis out of me while we were passed out on the floor.
You know i'm the father figure
Yeah the father who ate her out with me last night. Great dad
tell me there's a reason my bed smells like paint thinner
Actually some of the best sex I've had involved a lot of laughing.
How small IS your cock?
I just had the stunning realization that I lost my virginity in a bunk bed.
How was it playing wingman?
I feel like I was rockys coach watching him get the shit beaten out of him by Apollo creed
Jungle juice turns everything into a pickup line. All I said was "do you play chess" and somehow I got laid.
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
Randomize
