So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
so I was thinking like, Rob Pattinson could make so much money whoring himself out dressed as Edward Cullen.
yeah, I mean if he's down to fuck a lot of fat chicks and stare at Tiger Beat posters of himself above the bed...
On a side note I can sing drakes “best I ever had” so good you’d think I was on degrassi.
You have to stop making references to your extense knowledge of 13 year old girl television programming for me to believe you aren’t homo. The Bravo line-up was one thing, but seriously
just next time i won't let coke make me think I'm superman and drink a shit ton.
Just dominated the men's bathroom at work. Sounded like the intro of a death metal song.
My face smells like vagina and Im on my way to court. Fuck.
There is too much vodka and too much dick.
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
Sorry blacked out and lost my phone. Judging by the looks of my body I fought a cat and fell into a bush.
woke up in your bed at 6 AM. on my way home I passed Nathan, bloody, barefoot, and still in a toga. He told me he woke up in a ditch then kept repeating "I'm totally bringing this up at meeting tomorrow". I'm proud of your frat today
He was on top and as he finished he yelled "I love gold" , so yeah I'm seeing him later tonight
She leaned in close to me, made eye contact, and seriously whispered "I will eat your soul with bacon bits." I want whatever drug she was on.
He's drinking on a hospital bracelet, the fuck's your excuse?
Do you remember when you first moved into my parents house with me and we came home to find that my dad bolted the headboard to the wall
Randomize
