i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
It was great. Even bought me breakfast in the AM
From?
Well, he didn't exactly take me out, but left a $20 on the table...
It was her 21st and she had one drink and fell asleep. I hate 90lb girls.
There are rocks in my bed. And dirt all over my face. Explain?
Sounds like sex on a twister board.
An idea that is both hilarious and intriguing...
Admit it. It's a brilliant plan with hundreds of possible repercutions.
Understatement of the year.
Every single person in NY is either baking, drinking, or photographing their cat. Reporting live from Instagram.
Just took a shower for the sole purpose of getting off without using my hands... I've reached a new level of summer-lazy.
I just came rly close to telling a dude that I want to chew on him and there should be an oil painting of his ass up in the louvre before I realized that isn't how flirting is supposed to go
I can check masterbating in China off the bucket list.
I just want cinnabon and vodka.
She slapped a big dramatic bandage on my arm and people started buying me drinks...I plan on wearing a full body cast tomorrow night.
i asked her if she was sure that she was ready to do it and she replied with "come at me bro"
I'm noticing I drink less and do fewer lines when I do both together.
Now that's what I call smart money management.
Legit hope my Trump humping Brother dies of this shit so I can stop pretending to still love him.
Randomize
