God help me. Come pick me up. The guy told me this is not a hotel and i had to leave.
Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
another holiday season passes without receiving a dick in a box, where did i go wrong in life?
med student doing my blood work at the AIDS clinic just hit on me after I told him i was having unprotected sex, but didn't think i had HIV.
shes still asleep dad put a lobster in her bathroom
My mom's 50 year old alcoholic friend just told me about how she was more whoreish then us at our age. Challenge accepted.
Honey, I don't care how "classic you" this is. It's not gonna matter if we can't find you in the morning.
I have good news and bad news. Bad news, she's not in porn. Good news, I found porn.
Its not that it wasnt fun. Its just I got a tooth knocked out and that was my second time being arrested this year
Orientation leader success, day 1: incoming freshman just ate out his first sorority girl. I gave him a 7/10.
I think it might be the guy sitting next to me. I've concluded he HAS to be smuggling insane amounts of onions in his wardrobe to smell like that
Sometimes i wish my vagina automatically turned itself off when i'm legally drunk.
Campus scavenger hunt! and by scavenger hunt I mean all the pharmacies are sold out of Plan B.
Tinder has really served to stimulate the number of sex related demons summonings.
Randomize
