Its about time the women of america have a president they can masturbate to again
Haha, just learned changing others iPhone passcodes is fun while drunk but not fun the next morning.
We just used hot candle wax from our joint lighting candle to make a bunch of new small ones how stoned are we
The freshman next to me just said "I was rocking out on my way here to Dave Matthews..." I wish I would have passed this class the first time.
he was cradling you in his arms feeding you rum straight from the bottle and you kept sucking his fingers.
well, the drug dealer I've been fucking the past 5 months gave me a chilis gift card for Christmas, so things are looking up.
I am one Jewel song away from suicide watch
Im not coming back to that place until im drunk. If I walk in there sober Ill start screaming uncontrollably. Not words, just sounds.
Hey, ok if I kidnap you? I wanna test a theory.
What? My family got wasted on patron and I threw up on my pants and said it was gravy. Hot mess.
Got a traffic ticket on the way home.. Literally cost me $171 to give him a blowjob. I swear the officer could smell the cum in my hair.
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
Two days later and my throat is still sore. That bong is a double edged sword.
It's a lube slip n slide down the hallway now. Details later.
ever bang a guy wearing an $800 suit? today you will.
I feel like this is something I should shave my legs for
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