I've come to the conclusion that if I was an old man, I would perve around in short gym shorts for kicks.
you know you should just kill yourself when you are helping your 16 year-old sister get ready for a date and you're going out to dinner with you parents..
He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
I am at a bar watching a rat tail get braided.
At one point during the moaning he reminded me of Forrest Gump
he screamed my twitter name while we were having sex.
Mystery solved: The table is broken because I had sex on it last night.
He ate me out. IN THE MORNING. I love less attractive men.
I am pretty damn sure that neither my body or his body is ready for how drunk I am getting tonight
Quick question: how do I take a nice picture of my ass? I'm asking you because I figure with an ass like yours you're probably experienced.
Just got a Snapchat of his dick with the caption 'We miss you.'
That's true love, there.
HELP! How do I get paint off the dog?
You were talking to yourself and eating cold cuts in the kitchen when I found you
How's my sex life is me mastubating next to her dog. that's how it's going.
I'm basically the yoda of knowing when someone wants to sleep with you
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