i would give spencer pratt a bj just so i could bite his dick off
he'd just find a way to get more famous from being a eunich.
I love him more than I love myself. Which is a lot...Because I'm narcissistic.
That's the last time I try to be adventurous at a gas station
you started keeping track of only every even numbered drink you had
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
making out was so insane. it felt like our tongues were paintbrushes made of waves and we were painting an ocean galazy
I came in your room, you looked at me and said "I fucked up" and then some kid showed up and took you to the hospital
Hey..um, you dont know me, but I just found your purse in a bush at the end of my street this morning
I worked so hard to shave everything last night. EVERYTHING. He WILL be answering my phone calls. Otherwise he's passing up awesome random birthday sex.
Do you think I shall pursue this journey to the center if the dick?
We ended up at a lesbian bar and all my co-workers tried to get me laid. This is not how I envisioned coming out.
I tripped while walking across the stage and while trying to pick my diploma back up my flask fell out in front of the dean
It's like the cookie assaulted me with being high.
Hey, I left a taco in your dishwasher.
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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