How long do you need to date somebody until it is acceptable to fart in their presence?
The real question is how long do you need to date them to dutch oven them?
I dont think punching her boob is the type of reverse psychology that will get her to blow you.
After we had sex he bought me grape soda. I think I'll keep him.
Midnight run for medical supplies ended several hours later with a lapdance to the Braveheart soundtrack.
Liver, I have supported you for 18 fucking years. Pull your weight for ONE NIGHT and detoxify this alcohol.
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
She went to her drug test stoned.
And strangely enough, we all know she'll pass it.
Well while you were being a dick I was taping back together a cougars broken heart
He said it wasn't ladylike of me to drink more whiskey than him. I told him to stop being a little bitch.
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
I'm hoarding IKEA meatballs in my purse
I swear to god if I have to repeat this to you one more mother fucking time I will flip fucking shit and acidic rain will pour down upon your mother fucking soul
He drove over an hour to get this shit done. I guess i win the golden vagina award tonight
He turned on read receipts specifically so i'd know he was ignoring me.
You stocked up?
No actually didn’t get a chance. If you wouldn’t mind bringing me a brownie and a bottle of Jameson that’d be nice
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