JACOB AND UGLY BROKE UP
So i banged this chick from Peru last night. Needless to say, I'm having chipotle for lunch todayas a south American reward to honor her.
my dealer just handed me my weed in a pink easter egg
I wonder if he just picks random boners to send or just the realy impressive ones
It took him longer to remove his skinny jeans than it did for him to finish. I didn't even have time to realize it sucked until it was already over.
Apple Jack is not a good idea for breakfast. Whiskey can't replace milk.
just heard a glass bottle fall in lecture and my first thought was to yell party foul.....is it friday yet?
My grandpa is giving me detailed instructions on how to fight a second floor bedroom fire from a ladder on the out side. Just in case
My roommate took my designated hickey removing spoon out of the freezer.
Shoot me. Oh my god shoot me. My moms ex "likes assholes"
I'm eating cereal out of a cocktail shaker. That kind of blizzard.
Have you ever been up at one in the morning and thought to yourself, "I do not know nearly enough about penguin reproduction"?
Why would you keep yourself in a sharting situation
He showed up completely drunk with a 30 of PBR and ten cans of Spam. I like this kid.
You tried to eat your way through the wall. Like you literally tried to eat drywall and insulation.
Randomize
