Just saw a guy wearing pink jeans and i bet he's straight. Fuck 2009.
his dog just threw up on me too. its like im a throwup magnet to that family.
I envy you so much. I get girls who pee on my floor and you get girls who leave in the middle of the night
My penis hasn't been this frustrated since I was like 13 and I awkwardly got boners at school dances
I can hear my liver begging me not to go out tonight
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
corona bottle fell out of my backpack and broke in the middle of my physics midterm. yay me.
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
i'll fuck you during the next apocalypse. promise
although steph and I had 3 bottles of wine by that point and watched an opera that featured a black dildo so anything was possible really
Say what you will, but only I can throw up on someone's door and make it look like art.
That's the last time I'm letting you drink that apple vodka
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
First morning at school this semester and I threw up in a bush during my walk of shame.
While strippers were eating ones out of my boobs, several sources claimed trump shared classified info with the russians. We should get hammered on Mondays more often, bitch.
its the 14th virginity that counts the most anayways
Randomize
