Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
She made me repeat after her: "I take responsibility for what I put in my own mouth."
He said "I know I'm not gay. I fucked a guy once and didn't like it"
I'm scared at the amount of beastiality in this conversation.
they need to invent a card that reads "thanks for all those boners you gave me that you did NOTHING about"
Ya he's the booze devil, like if the black hole and Bermuda triangle joined forces with Captain Morgan
How was my weekend? I just blew my nose and a gram of coke fell out. My weekend was fantastic.
wearing the bible to the ABC party, thought you'd appreciate that.
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
So I've reached a new low. After completing my walk of shame and being told "see you around", I took off my heels to discover he had came in my shoe.
The comfort of this onesie is keeping me single
Jesus I was next level high last night having a mental epiphany about the state of Virginia
You can't leave me alone in times of distress because I will fuck things 🙈😐
She threw her burger out the car window last night. My vegan neighbors were not pleased but I’m pretty sure I saw a for sale sign go up on their lawn so I owe her one.
They don't really make a "hey I'm fucking your ex wife" card do they ?
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