Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
everytime i listen to a chris brown song and like it i feel like i bad person
i think i just saw hanson at the grocery store. one might have been a girl. hard to tell. lets call that one taylor.
You know that bakery that Sandra Bullock's sister owns?
The one in Montpelier?
yeah, well it doesn't exist anymore. VT's one fucking claim to fame closed.
there should be a rule- if you jizz on it, you wash it
Do they make some cleansing product for your soul? Like mouthwash that makes you not a skank? Or is that what religions for?
Eh, i think it's called sobriety. But its not fun.
i just won an entire level on word mole with the word 'clitoris'
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
Can I sell my birth control in a yard sale?
Putting all my energy Into finding a polite way to ask my mailman to fuck me in his car.
Ok I am NOT pregnant. I could shove coal up my vagina and my uterus would turn it into a diamond in a matter of minutes
Feel like I died but someone put me In a human microwave and I got back to life.
There are some things you can ever unsee. And walking in on your dad jerking off is one of those things.
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... So sensitive...
But I got head on a boat yesterday which was sweet until a bald eagle flew over. Then it became life affirming.
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